Cans

Cans, 1640 N Damen, Chicago, IL 60647

Brunch: 10am-3pm Saturday and Sunday

Dude, check out their webpage. It's AMAZING.

Cans  is the kind of bar where you would not be surprised to see people doing body shots. You can almost hear the faint echoes of “WOO! SPRING BREEEAAAK!” reverberating off the walls. I say almost, because even if the howls of lusty co-eds did have that kind of staying power, they’d probably be drowned out by the bizarre music selection – Top 40 hits intermingled with GNR, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and... the Beatles? I guess it makes sense. But not first thing on a Sunday morning. There are at least 5 tvs in the place. In case you managed to find a spot that isn’t facing a tv, there’s a gigantaur mirror along the wall that ensures that you’ll be able to see the Bouncy and Fun! Jeep ad from wherever you’re sitting.

Jen is going to explain the hollandaise debacle in depth, so ima focus on other things. Like the bloody mary bar. Holy crap the bloody mary bar is awesome. For $6 they will either bring you a bloody mary sans garnish, or a pint glass of vodka and ice. Jen went for the easy option, I went for the start from scratch option. I quickly regretted this decision, because there have got to be at least 8 different bloody mary mixes to choose from (and the good ol’ standy of regular-ass V8), and that’s an awful lot of responsibility to handle before your morning coffee. There are also 3 or 4 different hot sauces, some steak sauce, worcestershire, and a container of Cajun Seasoning. I dumped in all of them. And then, the garnishes. Sweet jesus, the garnishes. Why order breakfast? Celery, peppers, cucumbers, pickles, limes, lemons, 2 kinds of olives, cocktail onions, pepperoncini, jalapenos, several kinds of cheese (Jen: How will the bleu cheese crumbles work with the straw?), and two different kinds of meat garnish. Sidenote: I am informed that the meat I consumed was what Oscar Meyer calls salami. This blew my mind. Anyhow, I gleefully manufactured the mother of all bloody marys, only to realize I'd forgotten the celery and could not longer fit it into the glass without threatening its structural integrity. It was awesome. 

Build it, and they will come.

Their brunch menu is fairly small, but it covers all the bases (scrambles, eggs benny, french toast, pancakes, skillets), and includes a build your own breakfast sandwich option. These people really believe in giving you a sense of agency, apparently. While some women might find it demoralizing to be bombarded with hypersexualized images on tv, I revelled in a sense of empowerment. I can have breakfast ANY WAY I WANT. I went with the breakfast skillet, potatoes, onion, peppers and bacon, with cheddar thrown on at my request. Although the potatoes looked vaguely plasticized, they were quite tasty - much better than the usual sports bar fare. The best part of the breakfast, though, is the side of toast - their texas toast rocks my world. Seriously though, the food isn't amazing when compared to some of the other things that Chicago has on offer, but it's way, way better than you'd expect from a place of that kind. 

You're not gonna get much feedback from me regarding service, because I find people who bitch about service really annoying, but in this case, it should be mentioned that our waitress was super friendly, and really nice about the what I have decided to call the Eggs Hollangate. Also, I was watching some of the bartenders play pool (they remove the cover from the pool table at noon, I think), and I saw a guy make one of the most bad-ass shots in pool I have ever seen. It was sweet.  So yeah, gold star for the employees.

I have a hard time recommending such an all-out frat bar with a straight face. Especially when the food, though good, isn't amazing. The bloody mary bar is kind of amazing. But the thing about starting your day off with a bloody mary is, once you've had one, you might as well have 5 and spend the rest of the day shooting pool and watching James Bond movies. 

At the same time though, there is something very appealing about the place. As far as frat bars go, it's pretty top-notch - decent prices, good food, lots of tvs, etc. And when you go on Sunday morning, it's pretty much empty. In other words, it's like a kind of theme park/playground, where you can go play with all the toys without having to interact with the people who generally frequent such establishments. So you get all the fun parts without the popped-collar-gelled-fauxhawk guy either running game or looking at you like you're some kind of frizzy haired space alien that has inexplicably materialized in his periph. It's kind of neat. Much like Disneyland, you probably wouldn't wanna go there weekly, but once in awhile, it's a good time.

Woo! Spring Break!